Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.