I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I wanna be friends with this person
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place