My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Phones down.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I created you as mosquito food.