Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Practicing safe sax
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
be careful
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts