[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.