One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.