When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?