me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant