Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Not all heroes wear capes.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!