I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.