Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Worth remembering.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….