Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
🍞🦆
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager