Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
put ‘er there pardner!
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.