People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.