My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
You Might Also Like
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Beware of the dog..
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
This is sending me to another galaxy
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]