You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!