Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Oh my God.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.