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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…