I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.