LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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Ferrari squats
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
remember
only for emergencies
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.