It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.