dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Check out the legs on this baby
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon