So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
That’s fair
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.