If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
🖤✌🏽