*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW