Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*