Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.