Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Catering service
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Everything reminds me of my ex