I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”