Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”