What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.