My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.