Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Born to be mild.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.