it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
*checks Timeline*…
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.