Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
The glory of fall.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.