When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Is this the real life?
Is this just
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these