Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.