I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.