3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man