*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
welp
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.