Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
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If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Blew my mind.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.