Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
You Might Also Like
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time