Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
What the hell happened here.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.