[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really