A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You Might Also Like
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.