When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*puts cutlery down*