Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter