4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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Saw your ex at the shops
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”