They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.