George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
🤣🤣🤣
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”